


Ignis Fatuus

by peanutmeg



Category: Glee
Genre: 4x11 Sadie Hawkins, Angst, M/M, Post 4x11, episode coda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-16
Updated: 2014-02-16
Packaged: 2018-01-12 17:20:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1193391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peanutmeg/pseuds/peanutmeg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>4x11 episode coda. Kurt and Blaine think about school, friends, the past, and the future</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Kurt

**Author's Note:**

> Ignis Fatuus: deceptive goal or hope
> 
> -*-*-*-

**Title** Ignis Fatuus  
 **Paring** Kurt/Blaine  
 **Warnings** Angst, spoilers for 4x11 - Sadie Hawkins, vague reference to a homophobic attack  
 **Rating:** PG  
 **Fandom:** Glee   
 **Summary** 4x11 episode coda. Kurt and Blaine think about school, friends, the past, and the future

  


  


Kurt knows that his _forever_ – waking up in a warm bed with his special someone; working at the inevitable crappy job that is the bane of every recent graduate before finally landing the _perfect_ job when someone sees his talent; and then coming home, exhausted or elated depending on his day, to that same special someone, who was waiting in their impeccably decorated apartment (shoebox apartments did not have to be _dull_ ), even if the apartment was the size of his old bedroom in Ohio – is Blaine.

He still loves Blaine, knows that Blaine loves him as well, but he’s still so hurt by what Blaine did. And hurt has a way of finding Kurt Hummel and staying beside him like a stray dog. He can try to ignore it, pretend everything is fine and hope it will leave, but then he’ll turn a corner, and there it is, waiting for him once again.

He feels that it shouldn’t be. He’s finally working toward his dream. He is in New York. He has a wonderful job at _Vogue.com_ and Isabelle Wright actually cared about his work. Carmen Tibideaux had given him another audition and now he was going to NYADA.

Unfortunately, all of these wonderful things did not guarantee new friends. He still felt alone more than half the time, especially with Rachel always heading off for one event or another with Brody. And school, he’d had dreams of finally enjoying classes, being surrounded by people that finally understood the beauty of song as well as a perfectly done play.

He realizes now that had been wrong. His classmates had already formed their special cliques, and he was again standing on the sidelines, alone. It was high school all over again, just without the shoves into lockers and slurs in his direction.

So he had looked into extracurriculars, hoping to find a shadow of Glee Club. Of the acceptance he’d found there.

But then Rachel had shot him down.

He’d always known Rachel could be harsh with her words, given her tendency to speak first and think on her words later. He’d hoped she would grow out of that particular habit, obviously he was wrong.

_How could she say those things_ , he thought, _after what happened at McKinley? She was just as judgmental and cold as the Cheerios on their worst day._

It was Rachel’s derision that strengthened his resolve to see them perform, actually. If Rachel was becoming more like a Cheerio than surely those she scorned would be more welcoming.

And maybe, if he was lucky, he wouldn’t be alone.

-*-

While _Baby Got Back_ was not a stellar example of choral sound to his trained ears, he could tell that the members were enjoying themselves, and trying. He hadn’t held back his smile when their enthusiasm reminded him of the New Directions jumping around the stage – even if his high school show choir had sounded more unified. He could see himself spending time with these people, a reprieve from Rachel’s increasing arrogance and solipsistic actions.

Adam obviously enjoyed being the center of attention, and he and the rest of the Adam’s Apples prove to be a nice distraction from the loneliness and hurt. Plus, Adam made Kurt laugh, and his remarks let Kurt know they have more than just their school in common.

_We could be friends,_ Kurt thought. And yet, Kurt iswas not proud of making certain he was in places Adam will be.  He’s embarrassed. Here he is, Kurt Hummel, following an older student around because he can’t bear to be alone.

Rachel thinks he has he had a crush on someone, and he doesn’t do much to dissuade her suspicion. Others may suspect too, given how often he seems to be in Adam’s company.

_But_ , he thinks to himself, _a crush sounds much less pathetic than ‘I know we’re no longer in kindergarten, but would you please, please be my friend?’_

He couldn’t hide his shock at the mention of love, though. He’s known he's different than Rachel, even more so now that she’s moved on with Brody, but love was not something he could just change on a whim. Love is family: his father, Carole, Finn. _Blaine_.

Still, with Rachel always out with Brody, Kurt found he craved company. In New York he has no one besides her, and he realizes he’d been spoiled with glee club.  Before glee he was alone more often than not, but after there were Friday night family dinners with two more members, sleepovers with the girls, shopping outings with Mercedes.

Coffee dates with _Blaine_.

It always came back to Blaine. Blaine, the boy who hurt Kurt in ways he didn’t know were possible. And yet Blaine hadn’t hidden his offence, despite the confession seeming to break him. They were both broken now, shattered by one another. Shattered by loss, by time, by distance. Kurt knew they would grow from this, be stronger than they had been now that they’d faced the world.

Kurt knows this. Knows _forever_ was his and Blaine’s. He sees it in Blaine’s shy smiles when he is embarrassed and his polite words when he attempts not to not offend anyone; in Blaine’s desire to keep others happy, especially Kurt, even going as far as to attend dances in spite of his painful past with them. Blaine, who pushed Kurt out of the way of a slushie just because he knew what Kurt thought of them. Blaine, who ended up paying for that act more than anyone. Blaine, who had promised to look after Burt, since Kurt couldn’t from his place in New York.

Blaine, whom Kurt loves.

Blaine, whom Kurt couldn’t bring himself to accept back fully, not just yet. He will eventually, he is sure, but not yet. Not while Blaine is still in Lima. He and Blaine are _forever_ and all that entails, but Kurt knows that once he accepts Blaine again, he will not be able to let him go. They would be Kurt-and-Blaine, and Kurt knows he would not be able to cope with the loneliness of New York for a second time once that happened.

So no, he isn’t moving on from Blaine like Rachel thinks. He can never truly do that, but he knew his solitary existence at NYADA could not continue. So he takes a breath and waits for Adam, catching his attention on a staircase.

_Of course, it’s a staircase._ And Kurt thinks of Blaine, and then thanks of his empty apartment, before he gathers his courage and gets Adam’s phone number. _I just need someone to talk to. I know I’m still an outcast, and I’m not looking for a boyfriend here, but I could use a friend._  
  
  



	2. Blaine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Events from Blaine's point of view. Brief allusions to a past homophobic attack.

Blaine fights to hide his panic as his protests to the Sadie Hawkins Dance fall on deaf ears while simultaneously hating himself for wanting to stop something that makes Tina look so happy. But it is  _that dance_. When Tina keeps talking, explaining why it is important, Blaine wishes he could share in her enthusiasm, but slurs echo in his ears rather than music, and instead of decorations he sees fists and cold pavement.

In that moment, he would have given anything to have Kurt with him. But Kurt is in New York, finally achieving the dreams he so rightly deserves. And after Blaine’s weakness months before, he has no right to call on Kurt now. They are working toward friendship, talking about classes and Glee and Burt’s health, but Blaine also knows he can’t hide from Kurt; Kurt knows Blaine better than anyone. That knowledge, combined with his caring nature, would make Kurt worry about Blaine: Blaine doesn’t deserve that concern.

He still loves Kurt, he will  _always_ love Kurt, and he will wait for the love of his life to grant him the forgiveness he still doesn’t feel he deserves.  Kurt will forgive him eventually, Kurt is too kind and they love one another too much for any other eventuality. Then, the dreams they’d discussed in hushed whispers - of shared apartments and grocery lists, of New York lights, of menial jobs leading to Broadway debuts - will become their reality.

That is the future, though. A future where Blaine’s  _stupid, stupid_ mistake is in the past and their shattered lives have been put back together, piece by piece, leaving them Kurt-and-Blaine.

They weren’t yet to that point, however, and Blaine will not cause Kurt more pain on his behalf, so Blaine is alone with his thoughts; silent as flashes of nightmarish memories played in his mind.

Still distracted, it takes him a moment to realize that Sam is asking for something. He turns, focusing his attention on his friend, blinking away harsh kicks and hospitals, seeing instead blonde hair and slightly outrageous gestures.

It’s only later that Blaine realizes that his focus on Sam had crowded out the painful memories.

-*-

Tina is still thrilled with the idea of the dance, and it seems to be the only thing discussed in the hallways of McKinley High. Blaine hears whispers in his mind, and focuses on Sam’s smile instead. He knows it isn’t healthy, forcibly ignoring the past by building up unrealistic fantasies in his head.

_He’s my closest friend at McKinley_ , Blaine thinks as he listens to Finn announce the week’s theme.  _I shouldn’t use him like this. But could it be a crush? Is my imagination strong enough to build this all from nothing? Can I even have a crush on someone while I’m in love with Kurt?_

Blaine doesn’t attempt to answer his own questions, instead letting the music of Tina’s song take him away from his conflicted thoughts. He lets himself smile, rocking side to side along with the music, glad to see Tina enjoying herself.

And then Tina asks him to the dance.

Blaine falters as shock consumes him. Blaine, who prides himself on his ability to articulate his feelings -  _except when Kurt renders me speechless,_ he thinks - does not know what to say. He doesn’t want to hurt Tina, truly, but neither can he go to another Sadie Hawkins dance.

After floundering, unbecoming of his dapper reputation, he manages to decline Tina’s offer, and then watches as her face falls.

_Damn,_ Blaine thinks,  _just when I thought this day couldn’t get worse._

*-

Tina finds Blaine in the hall later, of course.  Her apology brings back the memories he’s been fighting all day, and so he’s quick to downplay the memory.

_I finally have a place to belong without hiding. Better a white lie than pity from my friends._

Friends. Tina, Brittany, Artie, Finn, and Sam.

“I’ve got a crush.”

Blaine tries to evade Tina’s questioning, not wanting to perpetuate the exaggeration, but not wanting to discuss his true feelings, either.  He should have known that wouldn’t be enough. Tina is nothing if not persistent.

So he tells Tina about Sam, thinking of distractions and embellishments, and the avoidance of painful memories.

It’s only after Tina had mentioned Kurt that Blaine realizes his mistake. He can’t put on a polite smile and pretend here. Not fully. And he can’t hide his love for Kurt. He’s not that great of an actor.

_I won’t force Kurt to rush his decision, but building up feelings for Sam isn’t the answer either. I can’t hide forever, this isn’t Dalton._

Blaine smiles at Tina, glad that in her excitement about his changed decision she fails to see his worry.  He continues to hide it later, when the blues of the winter decorations remind him of the flashing lights of police cars. Tina’s well deserved pride at the dance keeps Blaine from showing his panic, but he also pushes thoughts of Kurt from his mind, knowing that if he allows himself to think of Kurt, he won’t be able to resist calling.

It’s then, as he attempts – and fails – to lose himself in a dance after performing on stage, that he sees Sam. Despite his earlier decision to not take advantage of their friendship, Blaine finds himself stealing glances, looking for anything to draw his focus. He remembers poorly done, yet entertaining impressions.

_I’m sorry,_ Blaine thinks as he followed Sam, listening to him argue that the Warblers cheated,  _I need something else to focus on, and you feel things so strongly, it’s easier to pretend than to remember._

Later, when the shadows flicker in his mind while he’s dancing with Tina, he can’t stop himself from looking at Sam.

_I’m sorry,_ he thinks again,  _you’re a great friend and I care for you, but I can’t deal with this on my own. And I love Kurt too much to force his hand and risk our future. I just need the distraction, Sam._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know parts of this are now null according to canon, but at the time I wrote this it followed as best as I could manage. Thanks for reading!


End file.
